- To Let Go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
- To Let Go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
- To Let Go is not to enable. But to allow learning from natural consequences.
- To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
- To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
- To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.
- To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
- To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
- To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
- To Let Go is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
- To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.
- To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
- To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
- To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
- To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
- To Let Go is to fear less, and Love more.
I threw up. This fucking sucks. I feel horrible. Steve's gonna be so dissapointed. God's going to literally kill me. He reached his last straw with me a few months ago when I pierced a hole in my own body and as it would turn out there was more than a 50% percent it would get infected and kill me and I prayed and prayed and he forgave me and he told me I had to be good to my body, no more hurting it.
And since I've thrown up twice. Once at my nieghbors' funeral, once just tonight. I have sliced up my thigh, just for old times sake, to see if it still felt numb. Instead I found the prickle enticing. Steve was upset.
Really now, he keeps me safe. No one truly understands the magnitude at which I owe him. Literally my entire life, becuase I was right at the brink of suicide. I had the day and all, but I didn't do it. I didn't do it because I had plans with him that day. I decided to live, becuase we had plans and hell, they actually sounded like fun. For once something sounded like fun. Even before he was my boyfriend, my love, he was so important to me. Something about him just drew me to him, I just wanted to be around him. Even if I looked stupid or said everything wrong, it didn't matter. I just wanted to be with him.
He's the one who told me fucking straighten up. I was head over heels in an eating disorder cutting me off from life itself and preventing me from giving him my all and it was more or less ruining every inch of my life. And he showed me that, and told me this was all going to end if I didn't get my act together. So I got help.
And tonight, tonight I flipped that over. And I want to starve and puke and hurt myself. I just need to hug him. To feel he's real. To prove to myself I havne't imagined him. Haven't imagined the last year, like it feels life. This has all been too real for me to comprehend. I can't wait for school tomarrow, to hold him and breathe clearly and see his smile and hear him tell me it'll be alright, everything will be alright.